Last post

So this is the last post on this blog, take that how you will.

2012 has been interesting and apparently there's only 2 days left :)

My confessions in case the world ends

• I'm keeping the blog up in case civilisation ends but is uncovered by a race of alien archeoligists.
• They probably won't care too much about this blog. But i might ascend this friday and the narcissist in me might enjoy watching them judge us
• I can't stand the samsung note i bought this weekend.
• My deepest secret is that my mum already knows my biggest secret and has forgiven him even though i can't. Or that if she ever does find out she'll choose him over me.
• I think my sister in law may be a raging bitch under that cutsey blond exterior.
• I really can't stand my extended family
• I kinda wish i was the cool kind of nerd. Or cool in any sense of the word.
• I am not a good friend.
• I am a 19 year old born muslim now agnostic londoner who still lives with her parents and even though i go to uni now you can sum up my major character flaws as a moody prideful child who still craves approval from the world.

I know there are people who read this blog who I will regret letting know this and I in no way feel lighter writing this post. But I'm all kinds of self destructive too. 

There you go world, my word vomit as a sacrifice to the apocolypse.

If I was a rich girl - Temperly

Dresses dresses dress <3

If I was a rich girl - Burberry

I GOT INTO KING'S COLLEGE LONDON!!!! Now my wish list from Burberry. Next up Alice of Temperly :) xx

#5. Time to throw my heart and soul in life.

Aka. You can sleep when you're dead.

So this rule was inspired by the beginnings of a cold, getting high on sunshine, cold medicine, JD and this song:

I swear I had this song on repeat for a good hour even with all the snot flying about. I am a HUGE procrastinator. I'd find a way to procrastinate if I was supposed to be studying for a procrastinating degree.

#5. Time to throw my heart and soul into life

This draft was actually started months ago but it is a feeling I have pretty regularly. I'm rather lazy; staying at home and sleeping and or watching tv for hours on end is really boring but I'm usually too lazy to make the effort to entertain myself. And I never want to be the kind of person that needs alcohol or other people around me to have fun either. After exam season the plan was to sleep for a week but after two nights of decent sleep I was bored already. But I'm not a major fan of the clubbing scene either. I'd much rather get a pair of boots and jeans on and climb trees. Why are people so insistent on getting hammered?

#4. People will always surprise you and rarely in a good way

I haven't had a new post in forever and a day, not for lack of ideas but because none of the ideas had the passion behind them that my rules usually do. The rules are there because they meant something specific and vital to me and until today it didn't feel right to post something.

#4. People will always surprise you and rarely in a good way

I'm still slightly reeling from what actually triggered this rule and, also, I think the person this is about may actually end up reading this so I'm not going to insult her by venting here. All I'm going to say about that is I shouldn't have had to find out the way I did.

Instead I'm going to talk about less world shattering but still stressful example that I can't explain unless I actually get a little explicit. So I went out with a few friends a couple of weeks back. My friend, M, is a lesbian and she has only ever been classic lesbian. She was getting eyed up by this guy across the bar and decided to invite him over and flirt with him so he'd buy her drinks. Don't act all scandalized we all do it! I left and M and my other friend A left with this guy and his freind. A couple of days later I met up with A and she told me that after dropping off M both guys pushed themselves on her. Twice. And at the same time. She begged me not to tell M because she didn't want to upset her and we thought we were never going to see these guys again. M asked me to go out with her a couple of days ago and when I met up with her who should I see but the M.F from the bar. God he's really not pretty and really feckin' arrogant. He's also under the impression he and M are "kinda sorta" together; they've even kissed, he's met her parents and they've pretty much been hanging out all of the time since that night. He's leaving at the end of August, hallelujah. So of course I asked A to tell M what happened only she bloody won't. Usually I wouldn't give a damn and tell M myself only...

When I called M yesterday to ask her What The Fuck she was doing she told me that she knew he was an arrogant dick. M was using him as a beard because of her folks and yet... Why was he under the impression they were together? She actually kissed him and why didn't she bail on him after he met her parents? Also why was she actually going places with him. The only things I can conclude is that she actually likes him in some way,  or they're both lying to me. And the other problem is that I feel really disappointed; it's like she's selling her soul to this M.F for an easy life. In terms of integrity that's subterranean in my book and my respect for her is withering. 

As a result, I can't bring myself to tell her. Now this was written all in one go so it's all a bit rambly but at the moment posting this immediately feels like the right thing to do.

S, I haven't forgotten.

#3. It's okay to contradict yourself and be certain of your decision now

So the next rule is in two parts. Now before I get into it a;;ow me to run on a little about Tavi Gevinson, the author of insanely successful blog Style Rookie and online teen magazine Rookie. I don't think I've ever been so in awe of a girl younger than me in my life. She's found a passion and throws herself into her ventures with such charm and energy that it's really inspirational. Already at 15 she done more with her life than me even though I'm 4 years older. Watching her Tedx talk reminds me that it's only with persistence, zero artifice and God's own honesty that one day I can be capable of achieving as much as her.

I will not pretend to know half these references, Amma stamped on any pop culture religiously in her household. The closest I ever got to being normal was Charmed and Cardcaptors both of which I had (and still have) a rather unhealthy obsession with. I still can't watch Simpsons without feeling a crippling amount of guilt. Of course, I will not excuse my ignorance and will enlighten myself very soon, But the idea that society is obsessed with single dimensional personalities really struck a chord with me.

I've had to consider universities recently. I've received all my offers and I've changed my mind often on which one I want to go. People seem to find it so strange that I can be dead set for one path and then wake up a week later with a further weeks worth of experience and knowledge and consider another choice. There are times where I've wondered if I can rely on my judgement because I've been known to change my mind quickly. I think it just stems back to my ability to argue with anyone about anything for the sake of it. I can argue with myself horrifically well.

One one hand I know I need to know my mind, but on the other hand I still haven't magicked up the ability to be right first time every time. In fact, I've yet to meet anyone with that ability.

I think I found a new test for God.

#2. Stupid friends make for stupid decisions

The last three days of my life have been SCREAMING for this addition to my rules. I'm beginning to realise that nearly everyone has one friend that they've known for a few years and in all truthfullness you only really make an effort with because they're available, occasionally entertaining and you pity them.

As with all other things that usually occur in my life I had to go above and beyond the generic and the girl who had this role in my life was a year younger than me, a compulsive liar yet too stupid to cover her tracks well and she was always the victim. So while all my other friends did the smart thing and over the years walked away for various reasons I stuck around and ended up getting dragged into the most idiotic and sometimes even dangerous situations. It was as if my need to pity her fused together my brain cells and I'd find myself doing things when frankly I knew FAR better. To let so many things slide was just stupid and to laugh about it after was clinically dumb.

So eventually things went too far and I decided to cut my losses, ignore her ass and move on. As it is with dumb people she didn't know better than to walk away quickly and the last three days have been a saga of her tears to my face, running away to drag her chihuahua friends into the mix to threaten me and eventually not making good. I mean she's so stupid she can't back herself up to my face and somehow STILL sees herself as a victim. I wasn't mean, just brutully honest and she couldn't give me a damn answer only to then have the audacity to continue being an attention seeking, drama creating child.

I'm actually kinda disappointed that I let her get to me and didn't just walk away. A friend told me a few months ago about something the Prophet PBUH once said that's stuck with me. Now I don't remember it perfectly so I'm just paraphrasing. "If you're with someone who smells bad for 40 days their bad smell will stick to you. And if you're with someone who smells good for 40 days their nice smell will stick to you."

ANNIE'S RULE #2. STUPID FRIENDS MAKE FOR STUPID DECISIONS

This can be turned around to smart friends make for smart decisions. So if you find yourself with someone who can't spell Aristotle let alone know who he is, run for the hills. They can hate him and argue against his philosophy (that's brilliant) but everyone naturally mimics the people they're with so if the person you're with is ignorant, what does that make you?

And I, for one, WILL judge you based on the company you keep.

#1 Don't show weakness

So in the past month I've gone from feeling soulless to disgusted with myself and then slowly on to just plain shit. This was up until about three hours ago when, out of sheer boredom, I started watching an NCIS run on FX. It was one of those long stories that span three episodes, I think one of them was called "Rule 51".

Now for anyone reading this that doesn't know the show it's similar to CSI but for the American Navy. The leader of the team is called Gibbs and he has about 50 rules that pop in and out of the show occaisonally. It's starts with #1 "Never screw over your partner" to # 35 "Always the watch the watchers" and #40 "If it seems someone is out to get you, the are" and Rule #51 is "Sometimes - You're Wrong". A full list can be found here: Gibbs Rules

For many reasons I've been wanting to reexamine my life. Like Gibbs has demonstrated, everyone needs a set of rules to live by. Even though there are many I'd like to make my premier rule I think I'm happy to begin with this one:

ANNIE'S RULE #1. DON'T SHOW WEAKNESS

A lot of my drama for the past month has been because I've been stupid enough to think that talking about my problems make them a little easier to bear. It doesn't, all it's done is let certain irritating poeple think they can take advantage of my vulnerability. (I say think but they pretty much did, which only created more damn drama) Also talking about them, instead of just burying them into the deep dark hole that is my soul, just made me feel more like crap whereas if I'd never upset myself by venting about them I could have worked up the energy to pretend that everything was okay and allow myself to be distracted for a while. 

I go to an all girls school so most of my friends are girls and I'm not going to lie girls are pretty much jealous bitches at their core. I'll hold my hand up I can be one vindictive little mother fucker. And it doesn't matter how much I love some of my friends, if they turned around and told me something was wrong my first response is to become very very smug. I don't mean with the really horrible stuff just the generic "Oh I'm so fat" "The guy deosn't like me back". Of course I've learnt to move passed my instincts in the past few years and can force some sympathy into myself. But I know that 90% of the poeple in my life are. My life isn't about the few it's about the many and I can't trust the many. And my life has taught me I should be wary about trusting the few as well.

Now I'd LOVE to go into minute detail about how this is the lesson learnt from my April; however it shows me at my almost worst and I need to start practicing what I preach.